True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
