Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
