Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You are a genius and a whore.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
