You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
