Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
