Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
