making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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