i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
