every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Randomize
