I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
