I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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