Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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