You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
