fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
