She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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