i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Can I color on your dick again?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
