First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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