seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
