Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize