I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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