Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
