hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize