Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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