You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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