i was born a porn star she said
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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