I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
