I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
