I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize