you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
