Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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