Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
