I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
