I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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