it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
4 words: hood of his car
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
