I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
