she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
