this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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