We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I need to calm my uterus...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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