At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
