I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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