if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize