DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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