i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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