Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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