Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
