I could make wine with my vomit
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
