Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
