oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
