Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
