If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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