i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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