did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
