Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
