Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize