I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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