If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
How does one acquire holy water?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
