I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
